Copa America 2024 - Remaining Quarter Final Matches (06/06)

Copa America Quarter-Finals: A Degenerate's Guide

As we await Canada vs. Venezuela and ride the high from today's stellar Euro matches, I'm bringing you the lowdown on tomorrow's final Copa America quarter-final clashes. With Argentina looking as poor as anyone who's tailed our "Fairway Favorites" parlay this week, it's anyone's tournament. I know you degens are itching for some intel on tomorrow's matchups, so without further ado, let's get involved.

Picks:

Colombia vs. Panama at 6:00 PM EST

If you watched Colombia vs. Brazil, you'll agree that Colombia plays like they're all high on top-grade cocaine. In contrast, Panama looks like a team fueled by low-grade, quadruple-cut garbage. They might play fast, but they're as flat-footed as a 20-year-old on a 4-day bender, facing the Sunday scaries. I don't think it'll be close; the drugged-up Colombians will dominate Panama. Take Colombia over 2 goals @ +150.

Brazil vs. Uruguay at 9:00 PM EST

After that absolute slugfest, we've got the game of the tournament: Brazil vs. Uruguay. Whoever wins this game is taking home the Copa America 2024 trophy, mark my words. Both teams have deep rosters brimming with unreal talent, making this game a toss-up. If you don't believe me, check the odds—they’re tighter than Diddy and Epstein's prime targets (I assume). I am expecting great footy and even better UFC-style performances from these players.

For those unfamiliar with South American squads, their style is more about beating their opponents to a pulp than scoring beautiful goals. I'm taking a draw in the first 90 minutes @ +210, and if there was a bet for the first Copa America death, that would be my lock of the millennium. Brace yourselves for a crazy match, and if you live near Uruguayans or Brazilians, lock up and leave. Whoever loses will likely take to the streets in a blackout rage, spraying bullets while high on alcoholic PEDS.

Lock in your bets, grab your substance(s) of choice, and get ready for a football frenzy that's wilder than a sober crackhead (figure that one out). Good luck, and may your bets hit harder than a South American tackle.

Sincerely,

Thomas Perri (aka That Guy)