Gridiron Kings Early NFL Division Winners Predictions

Welcome back to the "Gridiron Kings" segment where we predict the NFL division winners and explain why some of these odds are as dumb as Beetlejuice. You saw Thomas's takes, now you'll see some actual winning takes. Strap in and get ready for some R-rated shit.

AFC East: New York Jets (1.90-1)

First up the AFC East. I’m taking the fucking New York Jets, this is their year folks. Rodgers is elite, Garrett Wilson is elite, and Sauce Gardner & Quinnen Williams are beasts. Tua will be slobbering on his shoulder by Week 8 like a toddler drooling on his blankie and the Bills? They’re ass now, they lost so much in the offseason they might as well call themselves the Browns. Sure they might still make the playoffs, but they’re not winning shit.

AFC North: Pittsburgh Steelers (7-1)

Next the AFC North. I’m rolling with the Pittsburgh fucking Steelers. The Ratbirds? Can’t beat us. The Browns All bark no bite with a fake DPOY Myles Garrett whose stats last year were like your buddy who almost had sex with that one girl. And Joe Burrow He’s lost his aura and can’t compete. Najee Harris, George Pickens, Roman Wilson, and Justin Fields, our offense is like a russian after a khabib win- all gas no brakes. And our defense? TJ Watt DPOY Enough said. Get ready to see some grown men cry when we steamroll through this division.

AFC South: Houston Texans (1.1-1)

In the AFC South, I’m taking the Houston Texans. Yeah, you heard me right. This team is stacked their offence is Joe Mixon, CJ Stroud, Stefon Diggs, Nico Collins, Tank Dell, and a gross o line. They have Will Anderson and Derek Stingley they are stacked, DeMeco Ryans is going to be a successful head coach. Super Bowl contenders, baby. Mark my words. The rest of the division is about as threatening as a little white dog that rich mom has down the street.

AFC West: Kansas City Chiefs (-250)

Lastly the AFC West. Obviously we’re taking the Chiefs. Their division is a joke, and they’re the Chiefs. Pat Mahomes could play blindfolded and still smoke these sorry ass teams. Raiders have no QB, Chargers suck now with no WR1 and Broncos are horrific, No further explanation needed.

NFC East: Dallas Cowboys (1.7-1)

Moving to the NFC starting with the NFC East. I’m taking the Cowgirls. As much as I hate this fake ass franchise the Eagles are overrated. The Cowgirls will win the division and then choke harder than a college broad on homecoming in the playoffs. Their fans will be crying.

NFC North: Detroit Lions (1.4-1)

For the NFC North I’m picking the Detroit Lions, my other Super Bowl team. The Lions are well coached by gorilla-balls Dan Campbell. He’s nuts and I fucking love it. Their defense is underrated Aidan Hutch is a dawg and their run game is tougher to stop than a crackhead off a perky.

NFC South: Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-1)

Here’s a wild pick for the NFC South the Bucs. Baker Mayfield will play well this year and even though their defense is kinda trash they’re in the weakest division in the NFL. It can happen. The rest of the teams are about as reliable as a $2 hooker.

NFC West: San Francisco 49ers (-210)

Lastly the NFC West. I’m taking the 49ers. This could be their year if they had a better QB. Brock Purdy isn’t good enough but their defense will drag them kicking and screaming to the playoffs and CMC and Deebo will help carry this team. CMC is no doubt the cracker of the decade.

The Big Parlay

all these picks parlayed pay 2609-1. That’s life changing money. Think of all the stupid shit you’ve spent $10 on, throw $10 on this, and you could win $26,000. I could buy a shit ton of beer and maybe even a small island where I can escape all the idiots who doubted me.

There you have it my early division winners. Bet wisely and thank me later, you filthy animals!