Group Stage Games in the 2024 Copa America: June 28th and 29th (Groups D&A)

Strap in degenerates because the Copa America action is heating up like a hooker in church. We've got a couple of barn burners lined up and by that I mean some teams are about to get roasted. Let's dive into the chaos.

June 28th

6 PM EST: Colombia vs. Costa Rica The Sniff Squad vs The Shit Squad

First up we've got Colombia taking on Costa Rica at 6 PM EST. Look Colombia is solid and Costa Rica is a pile of steaming shit. We're riding with the cocaine loving Colombians who'll probably snort the sidelines clean before the game’s over. James Rodriguez to record one shot on target and Colombia to win at +120 is a no-brainer. This dude's gonna be firing like he’s on a bender (he probably is). Costa Rica might as well not even show up.

9 PM EST: Paraguay vs. Brazil The Midget Brawl

Next at 9 PM EST Paraguay faces off against Brazil. Brazil’s coming off a disappointing draw against Costa Rica but let's be honest, the refereeing in that game was more rigged than a Trudeau promise. Brazil should’ve had at least one penalty but hey the refs must’ve been blind or paid off. This time we’re betting on the angry midget Rodrygo to score and Brazil to win at +240. Rodrygo's gonna be out for blood and Paraguay’s defense is gonna look like a bunch of drunken toddlers chasing a midget. Expect a Brazilian blowout.

June 29th

8 PM EST: Argentina vs. Peru The Pummeling

Kicking off June 29th at 8 PM EST we have Argentina vs Peru. Argentina hasn’t looked great, but they’re still sitting pretty at the top of the group. Peru on the other hand is the worst hot-headed team I’ve ever seen. These guys are so shit they lost to Canada and should’ve had two red cards in that game. Argentina is gonna stuff goals past these jokers like they’re a whore on a payday. Taking Argentina to win the first half at +105 is the move here. Peru’s defense is gonna be like Swiss cheese full of holes and stinking up the place.

8 PM EST: Canada vs. Chile I'm Delusional

And finally at the same time we've got Canada vs. Chile. Let’s be honest as a Canadian we’ve got no chance of winning this game. Our squad is like a bunch of mid players and Alphonso Davies against a pack of rabid wolves. But hey I’m Canadian and delusional so out of sheer national pride I’m taking Canada money line at +270. It’s a long shot but who knows? Maybe we’ll get lucky and the Chileans will choke harder than a virgin in a whorehouse.

The Bets:

• Colombia vs. Costa Rica: James Rodriguez to record 1 shot on target and Colombia to win (+120)

• Paraguay vs. Brazil: Rodrygo to score and Brazil to win (+240)

• Argentina vs. Peru: Argentina to win the first half (+105)

• Canada vs. Chile: Canada money line (+270)

Total Parlay Payout: +5573

So, there you have it. Place your bets grab your snacks and get ready for some football action that's more unpredictable than a crackhead with a winning lottery ticket. This is the Psycho Parlay. Let the games begin and may your bets be as solid as Colombia's cocaine connections!