Leaf Tracking With Sal: Free Agency Part 2

Get prepared because we're diving into Part 2 of the Leafs' free agency moves, and it's shaping up to be quite the ride. We've got Stolarz, the goalie with stats that could make a unicorn jealous—seriously impressive. Then there's OEL, our new defenseman. And let's not forget Hakanpaa, the towering presence on the ice ready to bring some serious grit to the team. With these signings, the Leafs are gearing up for a season full of promise and excitement. Get ready, because this lineup is set to make some serious waves in the league.

Unicorn of backups: Anthony Stolarz

The Leafs have inked Anthony Stolarz for 5 million over 2 years, and it's like they found the unicorn of backups. This guy's got a career save percentage of .915 – that's like finding a stripper who can actually do calculus. Stolarz recently claimed he's one of the best in the world, and damn, that cocky confidence is making me want to run through a brick wall. Paired up with Woll, it's pure, filthy perfection—just absolute filth. I mean, who doesn't love a goalie duo with balls the size of Zambonis? With this move, the Leafs are strapping on the rocket boosters and blasting into the season with some serious swagger.

Premium Addition: Oliver Ekman-Larsson

The Leafs signing Oliver Ekman-Larsson to a 4-year deal at 3.5 million AAV is like paying for premium porn—is it an overpay? Maybe. But do I like it? Hell, maybe. This puck-moving defenseman is exactly what the Leafs have needed for years, and we finally got our hands on one. Hopefully, he can channel his past glory and deliver the goods. OEL recently claimed in an interview that he feels better than he did at 25. That’s like hearing your beer-drinking buddy say he's switched to whiskey—you know it’s about to get wild. Let’s hope he can whip out those smooth moves and get this team where it needs to be.

Grit and Size: Jani Hakanpaa

The Leafs have signed Jani Hakanpaa, a fucking skyscraper on skates at 6'7". Seriously, bro, you should be dunking basketballs, not chasing pucks. But damn, this dude brings grit and a whole lot of size out there. What a signing! Sure, he's only a third-pairing guy, but throw him alongside Simon Benoit, and we’re looking at a demolition derby on ice. Bodies are gonna be flying everywhere! At 1.5 mil for 2 years, this is a steal. Here’s hoping Hakanpaa turns into a menacing, shit-disturbing cocksucker for us, wreaking havoc on the ice and making opponents regret every second they spend near our blue line.

Wild Ride Ahead: Leafs' Offseason Recap

The Leafs' offseason has been a rollercoaster of good moves and big personalities. From Stolarz bringing a goddamn unicorn vibe to our crease to OEL's premium porn-like addition on defense, this squad is gearing up for a wild ride. Add in Hakanpaa, the skyscraper ready to wreak havoc, and we've got a lineup that's entertaining as hell. With cocky confidence and gritty determination, these signings are setting the stage for a season of pure, unadulterated Leafs hockey. Get ready, Toronto—it's time to strap in (pause), and watch this team take no prisoners on their quest for glory.