NFL Week 7 Recap: 15 Games, 15 Stories

Warning: This blog contains explicit language, offensive humor, and content that’s dirtier than a truck stop bathroom. If you're easily offended, hit the back button—this ain't for you.

Week 7 in the NFL was pure, unfiltered chaos, complete with blowouts, heartbreaks, and a whole lot of teams getting absolutely dicked. Let’s break down the mayhem:

1.) Broncos 33 - Saints 10

The Saints got dicked so hard they’ll be walking bow-legged for the rest of the season. The Broncos ran a clinic on New Orleans like they were filming the NFL version of a backroom casting couch. Just an absolute railing.

2.) Patriots 16 - Jaguars 32

Tank Bigsby just whipped out his junk and slapped it on the table. 118 yards, two touchdowns, and the Pats? They looked like they were trying to tackle ghosts, completely helpless.

3.) Lions 31 - Vikings 29

Both QBs went to war like it was a back-alley brawl in Tijuana, but Goff showed up with a bigger pair and took the dub. Lions take over 1st in the divison.

4.) Titans 10 - Bills 34

Mason Rudolph got pounded so hard, he’s going to need therapy for the next 10 years. Keon Coleman put up 125 yards on just four catches.

5.) Colts 16 - Dolphins 10

Watching the Dolphins play offense is like watching your drunk uncle try to get it up after five too many tequila shots—slow, sad, and a total disaster. Richardson? Dude’s throwing balls like he’s been possessed by the ghost of JaMarcus Russell. This was a shitshow in HD.

6.) Seahawks 34 - Falcons 14

DK Metcalf pulled down 99 yards like he was just messing around, while the Falcons looked like they got their playbook from Madden on rookie mode. If they had any less fight in them, they’d be dead.

7.) Packers 24 - Texans 22

CJ Stroud couldn’t have hit the broad side of a barn with a rocket launcher, and Joe Mixon was out here trying to carry the team like he was giving them a piggyback ride, but it didn’t matter. Jordan Love threw two picks, and still walked away with the win. Texans gotta be feeling real fucked about this one.

8.) Bengals 21 - Browns 14

The Bengals took care of business, but the Browns? They’re out here looking like a clown show. Cleveland’s offense was so bad they couldn’t find the endzone with a GPS. And let’s not forget, prayers up for 4

9.) Eagles 28 - Giants 3

Saquon Barkley put the entire Giants franchise in a chokehold and slapped them around. He went full beast mode, flexed on them, and probably told the front office to eat his ass on the way out. Giants got dismantled like a cheap IKEA table.

10.) Rams 20 - Raiders 15

The Raiders suck harder than a Dyson on max power. Maxx Crosby and Brock Bowers are the only ones worth keeping around, the rest of them? Trash. The Rams didn’t even have to play good, they just had to show up while the Raiders stumbled around like drunk toddlers.

11.) Commanders 40 - Panthers 7

The Commanders didn’t just win—they rolled up to Carolina, whipped out a strap-on, and fucked the Panthers mercilessly. It was a massacre. Panthers looked like they didn’t even know what game they were playing. Complete humiliation.

12.) Chiefs 28 - 49ers 18

Both QBs looked like hot garbage, but Mahomes was the king of the trash heap. It was like watching two dudes throw punches underwater—ugly as hell, but the Chiefs came out on top because the 49ers couldn’t find their own ass with both hands.

13.) Steelers 37 - Jets 15

Russell Wilson pulled his head out of his ass at half and got it together, while George MF Pickens absolutely destroyed the Jets’ secondary. Dude’s out here playing like he’s got a cheat code—111 yards on five catches, and he made it look easy. The Jets? Well, they’re still the Jets—born to lose.

14.) Ravens 41 - Buccaneers 31

Lamar Jackson went nuclear—281 yards and FIVE touchdowns. This man’s walking around with his dick swinging like a wrecking ball, smashing anything in his path. Rashod Bateman went for 121 yards, but this was the Lamar show. Total domination.

15.) Cardinals 17 - Chargers 15

Justin Herbert put on a show, and somehow the Chargers still lost. That’s like bringing a bazooka to a knife fight and still getting stabbed. It’s just the Chargers doing what they do best—losing in the most painful way possible.

That’s your filthy Week 7 recap. Whether you loved it or hated it, you know you’ll be back next week for more debauchery. Keep up with @PerriSportsHub for more NFL madness, and don’t forget—some teams just love getting dicked down.