The Final Group Stage Games of the 2024 Euros (06/25): French Finesse Polish Punch and Harry Kane’s Revenge

Alright you beautiful bastards buckle up for the final day of the group stage at the 2024 Euros. June 25th is packed with football insanity and we’re here to break it all down for you.

12 PM EST: France vs. Poland – The French Fiasco

First up at noon we've got France taking on Poland. Finally these French prima donnas are ready to show us why they’re the second favorites to win this tournament. I’m betting on France to dominate the first half at -125 because they’re going to come out swinging like a drunken brawler in a bar fight. Expect Mbappe to turn the Polish defense into his personal playground. Poland’s only hope is divine intervention, but let’s be real that’s about as likely as seeing a nun at a casino.

12 PM EST: Netherlands vs. Austria – The Dutch Double Down

At the same time we’ve got the Dutch facing Austria. Austria’s in a win-or-go-home situation so they’ll be pressing harder than your ex for “one last talk.” I’m taking Sabitzer to get a shot on goal and the Netherlands double chance at +150. The Dutch are slicker than a used car salesman on payday and Austria’s desperation is going to lead to some wild chaotic moments. This match is going to be a rollercoaster of emotions, guaranteed to make you throw your remote at the TV.

3 PM EST: Serbia vs. Denmark – The Serbian Surge

Next up at 3 PM we’ve got Serbia going toe-to-toe with Denmark. Serbia has to win this one and with Vlahovic and Kamaric leading the attack, I’m feeling a Serbian victory at +210. These guys are as hungry as a pack of wolves, and Denmark’s going to feel like a gay guy at a church extremely unwelcome Expect a brutal, bloody showdown that’ll leave you gasping for air.

3 PM EST: England vs. Slovenia – Harry Kane’s Revenge

Finally also at 3 PM England takes on Slovenia. England’s going to stomp on Slovenia’s necks like they’re trying to squash a bug. I’m betting on that lanky cracker bastard Harry Kane to score and England to win the first half at +200. Kane’s gonna be smashing goals like he’s breaking piñatas at a kid’s birthday party. Slovenia doesn’t stand a chance; they’ll be lucky to touch the ball let alone score. This is gonna be a straight-up massacre.

The Bets:

• France vs. Poland: France first half money line (-125)

• Netherlands vs. Austria: Sabitzer to record one shot on goal and Netherlands double chance (+150)

• Serbia vs. Denmark: Serbia money line (+210)

• England vs. Slovenia: Harry Kane to score and England to win the first half (+200)

The Parlay:

I’m slapping all these bets together in a parlay for a colossal +4220 payout. get your snacks ready, and prepare for a day of football. Place your bets, and may your bank account end the day fatter than Lizzo.